Dear readers, the day is 24 hours long and as much as we might want to, we can’t spend them all at the strip club or trying to pick up high school girls at the local mall and bus stops. After all the strip clubs close, long before the sun comes up and despite your best precautions sooner or latter the mall cops will start posting your picture all over the damn place (side note, regardless what I have told you in the past, “Hey babe, you are a lot sexier than that cunt that has the restraining order on me“ is not a good pick up line). Therefore I have devised ingenious ways to amuse oneself, entertainment the Pikkle Weezel way!
Littering: This is a surprising fun way to spend your time which I discovered quite accidentally. It seems the shit hole I live in called Keller Texas doesn’t have a garbage service unless you live in town. So I get up in the middle of the night, load my weekly trash in the back of my F-350 and go out to the nicer neighborhoods, parks, and the front of city hall. I take great delight in tossing my bags of beer, used rubbers, and pizza delivery boxes onto nice upscale, golf course looking lawns. Oh and speaking of golf courses, those a great as well, you can drive your 4 wheel drive right onto the greens then leave them a challenging shot around. Be careful to remove all items bearing you name and address upon them unless you want an Alice’s Restaurant Arlo Guthrie moment.
Mall Nuisance, besides picking up the high school girls there are many other things you can do in the mall. A few of my favorites: Peeling the anti theft devices off and putting them into the pockets of old people. Then follow the old fuckers around for a quality laugh when they are jumped by security on the way out. Granny sure doesn’t seem to like pat downs and strip searches. Going to Fredrick’s of Hollywood and sniffing the new panties. There is just something about that new panty smell that gives me a major stiffler. I can do this all day, despite the funny looks you get from the sales people.
Getting shitfaced drunk and mowing your yard. The other day I got shit faced and mowed the lawn with my riding lawn mower. I had ran over 3 lawn gnomes and ran off into the pool. The water kind of sobered me up and I remembered that I didn’t have: A riding lawn mower, gnomes or a pool. Luckily I staggered back home before my neighbors got off of work.
Random acts of Vandalism: There is a park in Fort Worth called the Water Gardens. It used to be quite nice, back in the day the final scene from Logan’s Run was filmed there. These days it is a Homosexual hang out. What is entertaining is to sneak up on a couple of paisley cowboys going after one another on a park bench and dumping a cold bucket of water on the little shit pushers when they least expect it. Also, in town in Keller they have trash collection (as I previously explained we in the country do not L ) They place their trash every Thursday at the curbside for pick up. It is fun to jump the curb and run it all over with your F-350 at high speed. Special note: Be careful about gas meters, while intensely funny to watch flames shoot up 10 feet high it is no fun to have to explain gas meter sized dents in your front bumper to the County Sherriff.
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